Quarter life crises abound. Aghhhhhhhhhh so much doubt.

Things I like about...

the Pre-Thunderstorm phase:
- how dark the sky gets
- how you can actually see the clouds advancing
- how, somehow, everything that's green appears greener
- the wind that rolls through and cools down my house
- being able to see and hear the lightning and thunder while standing on my deck w/o any danger of getting wet

Things I don't like about thunderstorms:
- my internet went down for a little while.

I like most else about them.

I want to go play in the rain but there's nobody to play with me.
I like to do things in pairs (of people).

edit:// 8:38p

Also awesome. The sky turned orange after the storm.

Blame it on the Boogie.

Man. I can't believe Michael Jackson died today from a heart attack. And sure, he was crazy and had been deteriorating for all kinds of a long time, but geez. I'd forgotten how amazing of a performer he was. Go watch youtube videos. He's incredible. The way he moves... it's ridiculous. And his songs were SO GOOD.

King of Pop, indeed. RIP MJ.

Why.

Really aggressively annoyed at the world right now for no good reason. Why. Why does everything at home just piss me off sometimes, even if it's not a big deal. Why am I too poor to just move out. I don't want to live here for a full year.

Does it mean I'm a terrible person if I laughed at this song lyric? I mean, I guess I felt really bad about it afterwords:

"I said shush girl, shut your lips.
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips"

Dismemberment Plan - Superpowers

I guess you could call it superpowers

But no one is going to save the world with what I've got

Random thoughts

I have a feeling this will happen a bunch. Just a string of random thoughts I had over the past half hour. In approximate chronological order. Bite size. Like a string of twitter updates.

- My parents fight slash get really passive aggressive about stupid shit all the time like how one of them forgot to buy something at the store and so the end result usually is me driving to the grocery store at 10:30p because nobody else wants to.

- I really can't back out of my driveway anymore. I don't know why it's so difficult. But between almost backing into a stone wall or almost rolling over the side of a hill, well. It involves a lot of going back into drive and readjusting the car.

- Where have all the alternative rock stations gone? Why is everything "Hit blahblahblah" playing the same songs over and over again? If I hear Birthday Sex one more time on two stations at once something is going to die. Sorry. Di-i-ie. It will probably be small. Like a bug. But still. Death.

- I apparently can't go grocery shopping without calling home 10 times to verify what kind and what quantity of lettuce, ground beef, hamburger buns, tomatoes, and cheese they want.

- Also, who the hell gets nostalgic over shopping at Stop & Shop?! This person. Right here. In the bread aisle. But oh, Super Stop & Shop in Providence, how I will miss shopping at you with a station wagon full of housemates. Oh I am such a sentimental fool.

- It took me a really long time just now to come up with the word "sentimental". That it turn reminded me that there was a song once called "Sentimental Man" by a band I couldn't remember. The Dismemberment Plan. Oh man, I haven't listened to them in a while. Mmm... gonna get back on that. Getting back on my old indie bands, yes I am.

And so now I'm going to go listen to a bunch of DP songs on youtube. Hooray for pointless blog posts.

Songs stuck in my head

I've had this short little playlist of songs rotating through my head the past few days. So I'm just going to list them and some of my favorite lyrics from it. Just because that's what's going on in my brain right now.

Folding Chair - Regina Spektor

I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget

I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Belle & Sebastian

Oh, get me away from here, I'm dying

Play me a song to set me free

[...]

Said the hero in the story, it is mightier than swords

I could kill you, sure,

But I could only make you cry with these words

I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon To Your Star - Boy Least Likely To

I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star

I never would have got here if I followed my heart

I didn't think much of it until it fell apart

I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova

...the entire song...

Yeah. now I need to go try to jump start my car in the rain and bring it to the shop. Thrilling day ahead of me, isn't it.

patawarin mo ako, nanay

pero hindi puede ko itigil-iisip sayo. patawarin mo ako para magsulat na ito.

There was this kid that

I knew when I was younger

who would mispronounce

his words almost beyond

recognition.

Hospitals were "hopsicles"

and I was always left with the

image of an edible building or

a melting heath center

which is much more interesting and

more optimistic than the image

that comes to mind

when I think of

the real thing.

Because hospitals bring pictures

of an old woman with pneumonia

and diabetes

and a prosthesis leg

and alzheimer's disease.

An old woman who would need

to think for a minute until finally

she recognized you and remembered

what your name was.

And she'd be all sad eyes and

sagging skin and her lips

curled perpetually downward.

It would smell of antiseptics and

medicine soap and bad food and

sickness.

And all you'd hear is the murmur

and static of cable-less televisions

accompanied by the occasional

blip of a monitoring machine.

And if I could I think

that I would change it so

people would only say

"hopsicle" and never "hospital"

because sometimes I'd rather be

ignorant than remember her.

Oops

I forgot to have dinner again. This seems somehow inappropriate in relation to my previous post. But I need to stop forgetting meals/being too lazy to cook. Whoops. Going to go throw something together before going to bed...

"More to Love"? Really?

Fox has a new reality show following the format of the series "The Bachelor" called "More to Love". I'm sure you can guess at what the premise is. Promos show women discussing their fear of never being able to find love because of their weight, a couple of them breaking down on camera.

There's something very, very wrong about this show. While it's great that it's not just another dating reality show where the women all look like the same size 2 mannequin, moving to the opposite end of the spectrum and exploiting the emotions of these women to boost viewership just rubs me in the completely wrong way. Early descriptions (from around March) of the show claim that the women will be "confident and secure" but it seems like they're moving in the opposite direction with these commercials.

Why does it have to be so segregated? What a skewed vision of what the dating world in America is like. I really hate some reality tv shows. For the sake of the contestants I really hope this show won't be as bad as it seems.

Hooray capitalism.

I want the new 13" Macbook Pro so badly that it's dumb. First things first. I need a job.

Two Money

Yesterday I heard the sound of
an ice cream truck or an icee truck
driving somewhere around the park
and I had to laugh

Because even after all these years
The sound of The Entertainer on
cheap bells makes my head perk up.

And though maybe I don't run
around the house screaming for
"two money, two money!" or
fifty cents, as they're normally called
I still found myself reaching
into my bag to pull out
two dollars.

Ice cream is so much more
expensive these days

I hate these wasted days

You know. Those days where you don't leave the house because the weather sucks and there's nowhere to go anyway. Your closest friends don't live very close at all and get togethers require large amounts of planning that, unfortunately, never really seem to get done. You could be studying, but instead you waste hours upon hours reading various things on the internet. Right.

But yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday I drove to Brooklyn and back, all by myself, for the first time. Yesterday I saw the guys I haven't seen in years and it was good. I mean, clearly not everyone was there. The group's scattered a lot since high school. But still. It's funny how sometimes it feels like everyone is different but everything is somehow still the same. I mean, sure, the activities are slightly different than high school, because we were the group that somehow missed that part of high school where you drink and smoke and all that stuff. But the conversation's still pretty much the same. We are all still huge nerds (even though Hayden is joining the Marines in October. What?).

But really. It's comforting that you can leave this for a while and still come back to it.

I wish I could still write.

I just went through a blog that I started at the end of junior year high school after taking a creative writing class. I hated that class while I was in it, thought the stories we were reading were strange and the people in the class too shallow. How shallow. I never thought in stories, my creativity seemed too stilted and small to be able to come up with an interesting plot and interesting characters. Or they would be all character and no development. No, I much preferred the outlet of writing bad teenage poetry. Mostly nonfiction. How cliche. And reading them, how depressing. But I guess that's to be expected. I find that people are seldom inspired to write poetry when things are going well.

Not all of it is sad, or bad. There were stretches of time when I'd have little bursts of inspiration, and I'd just write, every day. That just doesn't happen anymore. I miss it. The last time I wrote in it was Fall 2007, which, I guess, is expected if you know my life timeline. I wish I had joined Archi earlier, stuck with it, done the writing sessions. Because it's nice, sometimes, to try to make it all make sense in lines.

Maybe I'll repost a couple at some point. Just because I like them. I want to start up again. But lately I've felt like life goes through stages of static and chaos and I don't know what to get out of it. We'll see.

And so it begins...

When I was in eighth grade, I was really into web design. Yeah, I'm aware how weird that sounds. In fifth grade my friend and I decided it would be fun to make websites. They were really dumb. There was nothing on mine, I'm pretty sure, but a description of who I was, some animated gifs and a midi that played the Mission: Impossible theme song. Shut up, it was fifth grade.

But then I started caring about how things looked. I played with photoshop, looked up stylesheets, played around with HTML. And that's when my first blog was born. I'm pretty sure I've had at least four or five online journals since then (some of them concurrently) but they all kind of phased out of my life after a while. Does anyone remember xanga? I used that thing on and off for about 5 years.

So why am I trying to do this again? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's because recently I've been updating my twitter status around 5 times a day and it's getting a little ridiculous. Maybe I need one place to gather my thoughts and spew them all out at once. Maybe it's because I need yet another thing to distract me from thinking about the future. Maybe I was inspired by the start of another blog. Maybe I just need to start writing again.

College is done. Sure, I still need to take a few classes. And yes, at some point I will be back in school. But everything that was easy and organized and planned out for me is pretty much over. I'm an adult now. (hahahahha... right.) But seriously. This is the start of something new. And, as I now try to get the song from High School Musical out of my head after that sentence, I plan on chronicling it. Maybe no one else will care about what I have to say or want to listen to me drone on about various things happening in my life, but who cares? I'm not doing it for you. So here's to the start!