Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Stress.

Thinking about the future puts a huge knot in my stomach and then I'm pretty much paralyzed for the duration of the thought. Then I just want to curl up in a huge ball and sleep forever. It's frustrating. I know nobody ever lives the perfect life that they want to, but that's no good. I don't really want to give up trying to perform so that I can make myself a better candidate for med school.

I think I'm not taking the MCAT on Friday like I thought I would. I'm not ready. Physical sciences are the worst thing on the entire planet. I'm probably taking 2 years off before Med School. I think I need to go to grad school. I think I need to do something related to science during these next few years. I think I need to stop dreaming and face reality.

1 comment:

Vic said...

WOW, awesome epiphany! I could have told you you were burnt out months ago, that every failure on your way to applying for med school was a message from your un/sub-conscious mind that you weren't ready. But you made it so clear that you didn't want to talk about any of it that the only thing I could do was watch you go through this painful experience until you figured it out for yourself. :(

Just because our parents (and aunts and uncles) are doctors does not in any way make it a family thing. You should realize that our parents were actually strong-armed into the field by their parents. Unlike them, we actually have to make a choice about what we want to do with our lives, and even this little bit of empowerment is fucking scary.

So, my unsolicited advice: be open to talking about your future and be brutally honest with yourself. Our parents raised us with this (infuriatingly obsolete) idea that if we went to school and got good enough grades, then everything was going to be okay. In my opinion, going to grad school is a huge mistake - ever hear of academic inflation? Undergraduate (and soon, graduate) degrees are well on their way to becoming irrelevant to preparing anyone for work in the "real world," and on top of that you'll be saddled with debt that you likely won't be able to pay off. You've just been through 16+ years of school and haven't held a full-time job yet, and have graduated into the most hostile economic conditions in the history of history. I say yes to taking a couple years off, but use that time to live: get to know yourself better and figure out what you really want to do.

Believe it or not, it actually is possible to live the life that you want- I keep in touch with a number of friends who have their own businesses and are living out their dreams. Only thing is, you must be so utterly certain of your purpose, what you were put here on the planet to do, that any choice you make towards your dream is effortless and fearless.